It's too bad I only have 22 lightning bolts' worth of energy to do so, because no one else in the Holy Land bothers to do any work when the Sucker of Galilee can do it for them. Dmitry Kalinovsky/iStock/Getty Images It's built with a modified wrestling engine whose character creation tool allows you to create people ranging from Nephilim who would tower over NBA stars to little people short enough to run under Jesus' legs and catch a glimpse of his holy trinity. So on one hand, The You Testament claims to help gamers grasp the true meaning of all religions and life itself. This is all part of the developer's belief that Jesus spent his formative years in the East, a theory that will supposedly allow us to unite all world religions and unlock their "inner meanings," which is to "open our third eyes to an inner world" so we can "master the human experience." On the other hand, it's a game where you can mind control Jesus and make him kick midgets in the face. ", Lightside Games Perfect for youth groups, Vacation Bible School events, Sunday School games, and after-school activities! That's how much crap I have to pick up to complete this level. Remember, gamers, Jesus loves all of you.

From the United States, MARLON is a warrior scholar. Sunday Software Paul Allen Panks MDickie They're on a "Great Commission Adventure" to teach newly discovered worlds the Gospel, which seems like an odd task to assign a child, a psychologically damaged robot, and a captain who looks like he'd rather be teaching the wisdom of James T. Kirk. He shares joy, beauty, music, and jokes wherever he goes. Mm, yeah. And thus begins the classic biblical tale of Mary and Joseph journeying to Bethlehem, and also sending several dozen bandits straight to the fires of hell by sawing their heads off. If your assumption is that the game uses the standard RPG model to focus on storytelling and dialogue while keeping combat to a minimum, you haven't been paying attention to this article.

Now I understand why the Bible's always going on about enduring suffering. I'm pretty sure this was an indentured servitude simulator before they decided to throw Jesus in. But he loves those of you with expendable income more. It's hard to talk about love and tolerance while also encouraging players to kill everything in sight. In the next stage, a woman wants to be baptized by John, but she's too hungry to take the eight steps required.

While you'd assume his move set would be limited to "loud, distracting crying" and "shitting himself," Jesus calls down angels to buff the party with defensive powers. Multiplayer competition with up to 4 players Home Country: United KingdomPersonality: Loving and carefreePassion: Purposeful adventuresTheme Verse: Matthew 22:37-39Keyword: CARE. Then things get weird: MDickie Not since Do You Like Horny Bunnies? From Australia, BRYCE was the first Lightglider trained at the Academy. It's just an educational game for churches that want to look hip and kid-friendly but don't want to shell out for a Wii U. Sunday Software Often without a plan, she's not afraid to improvise! Use this Bible game to teach about self-worth and social media “Likes” addiction. You can actually attack anyone you encounter, which seems both ungodly and more than a little dickish. How did the creator of the Jesus Christ RPG Trilogy approach this noble task? Unfortunately, Final Fantasy games are largely about stabbing and setting fire to hordes of monsters, while Jesus only killed, like, three cactuars and a tonberry (that we know of). Can you fix our boats for us, man who knows nothing about boats? Unless I walk around it, or step over it, or ... wait, I have to grab the ax and chop it up? But to be fair, plenty of classic video games aren't visually appealing.

But you may not find them in the mainstream gaming outlets that sell X-Box and PS3 games. We allow our kids to play Lightgliders because it is positive. How appropriate that this game is about Jesus, because poor Shelbot has a cross to bear. MDickie This is the whole game. The characters are too cartoonish, like stereotypes of what game characters actually look like. "Although you have to be, like, super high. So who built the robots, where did they go, and where did those robots get their facial hair? Home Country: TanzaniaPersonality: Ambitious and organizedPassion: Training new LightglidersTheme Verse: Matthew 5:14-16Keyword: LEAD. ", "I have five kids ages 5 to 12.

In fact, graphics-intensive, Bible-based video games have been known to impress even non-Christian players. This version of the gospel is basically a recap of a World of Warcraft raid. So, like every Facebook game, you have to either come back hours later or throw down real money to keep playing. You will then wander Galilee at random, occasionally climbing the odd tree for the heck of it, until you find said fish (it wasn't in the tree). She uses her leadership gifts to run the Academy. We're told it allows you to experience the life of Jesus in a "brand new fun way," because nothing says fun and innovation like the gaming platform that's built for crappy knockoffs and lazy cash grabs. Never mind that using electricity to baptize people in water is pretty much the worst idea short of replacing communion wafers with grenades -- "John" and "Jesus" worship a god alright, but that god is Father Dagon. MDickie Home Country: AustraliaPersonality: Courageous and friendlyPassion: Missions into the unknownTheme Verse: Matthew 28:19-20Keyword: GO. Lightgliders is one of the best online Christian video games for kids available, filled with bible studies and fun games. "And whilst Herod proved a formidable foe, his defeat gave the Messiah truly epic lootz.". Watch Video. And if you die, you're dead for good, which is bullshit because you're Jesus. Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. I'm not very religious) will ask you to bring them an item, like a fish. And then Jesus teaches you kung fu. Your goal as Jesus is to convert six disciples to your cause. "Dagnabbit, that mean ol' centurion's crucified someone again!". An exciting, fast paced Christian game for church or home. Well, I do that and get to the water, where I can talk to Jesus ... right after I clear out the thorn bushes that are between us, because apparently it's a sin to slightly raise your voice or step around foliage. You accomplish this by aiding people in their time of need, by which I mean Andrew or John or Billy (were they all disciples?

Lightgliders is a cross-platform world of Christian faith, fun, and games. "And Jesus did preach: Be wary when it is pitch black, for it is likely you will be eaten by grues.". This isn't the tutorial easing you into the game. Cracked is published by Literally Media Ltd., 5 Baffling Video Games Based on the Bible, The Sad, Stupid Tale Of When McDonald's Tried To Sell Pizza, 5 Times Historical Figures Teamed Up (School Never Taught), First Episode / Last Episode: 15 Career Changes No One Saw Coming. She can't summon the effort to go to the even closer pomegranate trees either, so you need to pick fruit for her.

Which for robots would be, what, oil? Lightside Games Important History Question: Where Did Jesus's Foreskin Go? We are constantly having to fight against the culture so that our kids are healthy mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And if you're going to take that approach, you might as well go all the way and make Grand Theft Camel. John 3:16. Sunday Software The game actually has a full-on battle system, albeit one that apparently decides fights at random. Copyright ©2005-2020.

"Pick up the pebbles that are literally at my feet for me." Like Mary does: Yes, the first game of the trilogy, Baby Jesus Christ RPG, begins with Saint Mary buying a battle saw. From the United Kingdom, TOVA goes on purposeful adventures to help others. Give the kids you care about a wholesome game with powerful values! Give him a really nice fish? Hey, do you have any cookie dough?". And, for a dad, that's incredible; it's a game-changer. The Lightglider Adventure Series offers engaging comic book stories that point to biblical truths. I'm sure that offended absolutely nobody whatsoever.

She uses her gifts of hospitality to serve others and help them on their missions. Home Country: United StatesPersonality: Strong and wisePassion: Seeking answersTheme Verse: II Timothy 3:16Keyword: THINK. He boldly goes into the Yonders on missions to rescue and restore. Chick saints and their jewelry, am I right, men? The part of the Bible where Jesus alters his molecular structure to levitate comes right before the part where he teaches his disciples to use the power of their chakras to create swords from thin air, slow down time, and control other people's minds -- the part that exists only in the brain of the developer, right next to the proof that JFK was assassinated by Robo-Hitler. has a game failed so spectacularly to deliver on the mental images the title put in my head. It's a little-known fact that Jesus had serious, serious hearing problems.

It isn't as spiritually enlightening, but it will make the lady aliens yell out about God a lot.

© Copyright 2020. Bootleg Game of Thrones downloads? But there's more to The You Testament than kicking Jesus in the junk until he threatens to murder you -- you're supposed to follow him around the Holy Land and witness a very loose interpretation of his life.