Now, my experiences are not universal — I’m sure there are people who had someone ask them that and now they’re married with 10 kids — but overall that became a red flag, especially because it was clear from them asking the question they hadn’t bothered to read (or remember) any such references in my profile.

This kind of interrogation is good to do for a lot of reasons, but please try to keep it separate from this aspect of your dating life for a while.

They definitely have. Because of this, many people don’t always want to recognize what they want much less express it to someone else, who can then potentially let them down.”.

Like, “take paragraphs 2 and 3 of your letter and…voila…you have your answer!”. A majority of people don’t appear to agree, given how bland and general most of the profiles I’ve seen are. As for scripts, let’s take your letter as a guide. You can’t even know how much I appreciate that. I found someone who is willing to work at it too.

Yet, if I ask the same people what they do want in their relationship or from their partner, it seems to catch them off guard. They fail to recognize that when they experience strong emotional reactions to a perceived slight by their partner that they are often reacting based on early unresolved issues from their childhood. ), Also: Can you please do one of these for jobs instead of partners?

Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. On the other hand, the exercise of saying what you want is really about expressing something about who you are and what matters to you. I personally would not want to be dated by someone who had really nobly struggled with their initial desire not to date me, decolonized their desires, and at long last have rendered themselves pure in the forty fountains of discourse and arrived to claim my hand. There is no right answer, only your answer.

about his attraction to me; I found this overwhelming because I have had so little experience of this, but also very reassuring. As a result, when they communicate with their partner, they often say what they don’t want instead of what they do. I got almost no responses, set up a half dozen dates, and went on zero dates because everyone either canceled last minute with no desire to pick a different time or simply didn’t show and ghosted completely. After about a month, I ended things via text, saying that I really liked him and had wanted to see where things would go, but his need for space interacted badly with my anxiety if I don’t hear from someone every day.

Some of them are going to use that profile to represent themselves really well and see who messages. I rejected a dude once and he responded by calling me fat. So how do I answer the question in a way that helps me filter out the jerks and time wasters whilst still keeping my options open? This is genius! He had actually read my profile and messaged me accordingly. Their significant others should be people that they can open up to. Am I the only person who hates this question so much that I usually stop the conversation right there? I must live in a bum area for OkCupid; I’ve tried it all. out there for us social-justice types who give a damn about the world that asks us to ask ourselves a lot of questions about the ickiness of our own dating preferences.

It has meant some big stretches of single-dom, but I don’t do so badly with those.

Don’t be afraid to alienate people by having strong opinions and preferences. Wanna fuck’ and dudes who wanted to cheat on their wives.

Rejoice in the fact that you have discovered that people who use OKC are not for you. Dearest OP — I love this question.

S/he already had the perfect response to “What are you looking for in a relationship?” in the body of her/his question: I think the Captain has some good suggestions about being honest about your dealbreakers (no matter how “stupid” they are) and not hiding the things about yourself that might be dealbreakers to other people.

I’m not sure how I feel about it yet.

You are definitely being plagiarized by “Kat” in Victoria BC. I’m so excited to get back to online dating (I turned off all of my accounts literally because I didn’t know what to do with this issue and it was too much to deal with). You live somewhere accessible by public transit.

I would have been far better off had I spent that time doing stuff that makes me happy or really just . I’ve gotten better, but… yeah. If you try too hard to impress him or if you rush the relationship way too fast, you just might end up turning him off and scaring him away. I had the exact same problem (or maybe exact inverse, with the same outcome?) I think the follow-up to that is not making the emotional weight of your decision be borne by the people you are (or aren’t) dating, and being clear on what you’re looking for. Like, uh, yeah, I posted full body pics and said in my description that I’m a fat kid.

So I had to do a lot of thinking. I feel that it was because I was selective about that I’d chosen someone who responded well – he replied saying friends would be better, and wanted to meet up after he’d had time to decompress from [stressful events]. Yes, THIS. (We were both travelling in the three weeks after our date, which didn’t help.) Yes! It’s not his usual but I loved it. “Someone who makes me feel good!” is a reasonable answer! It’s extremely hard to be in the moment when I’m terrified of where the social scripts are leading. Like – being single is better than being in a bad relationship, dating the wrong person leads to a bad relationship, excluding the people who you’d have to contort yourself into a pretzel to date leads to fewer bad relationships… therefore, being exclusionary seems like the right path?

My list of wants are limited and few; but my hopes are never less than boundless: Thanks for this, I feel uplifted.

Instead, your words should be an authentic expression of what you want, not a demand for what you “need” or an expectation of what you’re “entitled” to.

Replacing my wants and demands with hope doesn’t mean I eliminated all of my preferences. – You are able to verbalise your needs and feelings, and are willing to start a conversation about issues in a relationship. I also hate that I might unintentionally give the other person certain expectations or drive them away before I’ve had a chance to get to know them and figure out what, if anything, I want from them.

Please and thank you, I have a mortgage to pay. but right now the least sexy words in the English language are “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” and “I don’t care.